South America - Inception of the 3rd Wheel Parto Uno (Part One)

A year ago this month, my two friends Dan and Katie (a couple) and I embarked on an adventure of epic proportions to South America. Originally Dan and I were planning the trip but once Katie and Dan got together in a romantic fashion there was no way Dan and I could go away for 2 months to South America and leave Katie behind in New Zealand. The third amigo changed the dynamic of the journey both in planning and in partaking (It wasn't until Katie was on board that we even planned anything) I was instantly, though not purposely shuffled into the third wheel position. Where once there was two wheels, there now became three...You're probably thinking "A vehicle with two wheels is a bicycle, and a more than efficient mode of transport" and you would be right...but the third wheel gives the modest bicycle just that little bit more...The third wheel is more of a training wheel than tricycle format...It meant that when you were tired or sick or wanted some time alone, you could drop a wheel and the bicycle kept rolling...Individually we all had turns as the third wheel...I just slept in a different bed...

Anywho enough of the bicycle analogies...what comes next is my recollection of 5 South American countries with one of the best couples any third wheel could be lucky enough to roll with...

CHILE - Santiago de Chile

Our Journey started and finished in Chile due to the fact that there is a direct flight from Auckland, NZ to Santiago and vice versa...so I will script the course of events in chronological order.

The moment you fly into Santiago you see the awesome Andes mountain range to the east of the city. The Pacific Ocean is to its west, and Santiago is smack bang in the middle of the two (about two hours driving to each). The metropolitan area has a population of over 5 million people (more than a million people more than the whole of NZ),

Santiago was to be where we dipped our toes into Latin American culture and tried out speaking Spanish for the first time. At this point the only Spanish Dan knew was "cerveca por favor" (beer please) and "feliz navidad" which translates to "Happy Christmas". Although his pronunciation was exquisite, it was August and not applicable. Many taxi drivers and shop keepers saw great humour in this...as did I, and it was a reoccurring joke throughout the whole trip.

As far as a city goes, Santiago is nice. We only spent a few days here and I was always looking for an excuse to sit at the curbside cantinas and drink Escudo cerveca by the litre. We walked around a bit and took in the view from the top of the funicular (hillside train) but we didn't spend long enough for me to give a fair critique. I had a good time and loved the stray dogs that roamed and followed you absolutely everywhere.

I must also apologise to the three American dudes in my dorm for drunkenly standing on two of their heads and jumping onto the wrong top bunk...Alcohol is a hell of a drug...

Unfortunately Katie got her phone pick pocketed out of her bag on day two. That sucked balls but I must say she did really well to handle 7 more weeks with Dan and I scrolling hard on our phones while she patiently sat and watched us stay up to date with current events and viewing what people had for lunch on Facebook.

After a few nights in Santiago it was up at sparrows fart and off to catch the bus to Argentina....

ARGENTINA - Mendoza

The Bus trip from Santiago to Mendoza was an 8 hour epic over the Andes. The view was amazing...apparently.... Dan was the only one awake for it as Katie and I had had one or two white wine spritzers too many the night before.

I remember the border crossing being totally bizarre. You had to wait in line for a Chilean man to stamp you out, then line up for the Argentine man sitting right next to him to stamp you in...maybe it was their idea of a joke...it was a shit joke...

So down the Andes we rolled into Argentina...past a capsized truck on the perilous mountain road and into the scorching spring heatwave of Mendoza.

I had high hopes for Mendoza and had heard rave reviews about it....The 3 days we spent in Mendoza was pretty much all about the wine. The Malbec which they produce there is absolutely fantesticle! If you could milk a Unicorn, Mendoza Malbec would flow from its teats. Our first night we went for a late dinner at 9pm. The restaurant hadn't even opened..(they eat out late over those ways). We ordered steak of course and the Argies didn't let us down...It was most probably the Unicorn's rib eye...It was up there with the best steak I've ever had. The restaurant staff were big rugby fans so obviously they loved that 3 kiwis were dining in their establishment. All I really got from the waiter is that he loved Richie McCaw. Apart from the wine, steak and love of Rugby, I was quite underwhelmed with Mendoza...It was very quiet around town and in our hostel I met my first of many Nemesis'...A tall, loud, rather irritating Australian bloke...It was not going to be last we saw of him....

You may be wondering about the whole 'Nemesis' thing?....well as a single man travelling, any other single man was a threat. I know it's very primative and chest thumping, but simple laws of nature say, "if there is two men and one woman there must be a fight to the death"...or in our more modern civilised case you must showcase superior humour and personality (especially if lacking in the appearance and phsique department) to reign supreme over your nemesis. So obviously there were to be many nemesis' on this rocky road we travelled. I fortunately had an ace up my sleeve...one of my travel companions was a female....

So...Dozens of bottles of Malbec down and the Spanish language slowly improving (we could now confidently ask for "one more please" and discovered if you put an "O" at the end of most words people understood you. For example...Problem is Problemo and Mechanic is Mechanico...Fucko offo wasn't clearly understood) we headed to the airport to fly to our next Argentine destination....

PUERTO IGUAZU -

After a quick plane swap in the Argentine capital, Buenos Aires, we landed in Iguazu. The surrounding area is jungle and National Park, and three countries border here. Argentina, Brazil and Paraguay. Argentina and Brazil both share the falls but poor old Paraguay didn't get shit when they were handing out views of one of natures finest water features.

After checking in to our hotel, which was equipped with swimming pool and private rooms, we headed in to the town of Puerto Iguazu. It was here that we encountered our old mate Charlie for the first time in South America. Charles was a crumbly pale individual from origins unknown that we bumped into numerous times on our travels. We ended up having a messy night on the Mojitos with Charlie and Dan unfortunately lost his Credit Card...Completely out of character I had lost nothing thus far...

We were learning more and more Spanish each day...sometimes you couldn't help but pick up some of the lingo...

We visited a wildlife sanctuary our first full day and got to see all sorts of awesome wildlife that had been saved from being road kill. The diversity of critters was awesome and by far the highlight was the Armadillo on a crack bender and the Turtle humping the rock. The guide actually had to come back and retrieve us because we spent far too long rubbernecking the wee randy reptile.

After two nights in a glorious private room with ensuite, we packed our bags and found all lost credit cards (which Dan had cancelled and was now unusable) and headed to the main attraction....The Cataratas de Iguazu or Iguazu Falls.... I've seen many a waterfall in my day but Iguazu is by far the most spectacular!!

They are the largest waterfall system in the world. Most of the falls are in the Argentine side, but the Iguazu river runs primarily through Brazil...you could say that Argentina got the money shot. We walked in and around the falls, caught a pleasant little train (tren in Spanish) to the Garganta del Diablo (Devil's throat) which half the river that feeds the falls flows into. We even took a boat under them to get our massaging shower for the day. You can easily see the whole lot in a day if you don't mind walking about for 3 or 4 hours. The cost to enter the falls is about NZ$30 (US$20) which is worth it by far!

After a full day at the falls we jumped in with our Taxi driver and headed to our next destination....A whole new country....and language....!

BRAZIL - Foz do Iguazu

Our taxi drove us into Brazil with not so much as a stamp in the old Passport...(this was to be an issue at a later date). and into the city of Foz do Iguazu. This part of Brazil is second only to Rio de Janeiro in numbers of leisure tourists per year. Brazil has a very different view of the falls and you can be the judge as to which you think is better...(I didn't actually accompany Dan and Katie to this as I'm a cheap bastard...It's true..I was born out of wedlock so am in fact a bastard)

After a night in the Foz we boarded the plane to the much anticipated........

RIO DE JANEIRO -

Rio....where do I begin?

Rio was not a place for sleeping...For us it was a hard and fast 5 days which easily could've lasted much longer. We'd had nearly two weeks of Spanish and two days of Portuguese so we were gradually gaining the confidence to conversate more and more..The beauty of the two languages is that they are generally understood if you mix them up..for example "Give me" in Spanish is "da me" and in Portuguese is "me dar" same same but different. Dan was still wishing everyone a Merry Christmas so times were good....

Our time in Rio consisted of...

A local derby football (soccer) match between cross-town rivals Flamengo and Fluminense. Matches take place in the 78,000-seat Maracanã Stadium, located near downtown Rio de Janeiro. With most football the fans of opposing teams are split up and kept apart by fences. This did not stop the shirtless hooligans hurling abuse and colourful gestures at each other. This behaviour also got them dragged out kicking and screaming by some Gestapo look a like security force. It was something that you have to see to believe. The noise and cheering shook the stadium from the foundations up to the seating...I would've loved to know what they were chanting but our Portuguese wasn't yet that advanced...unfortunately we were seated in the Fluminense section and they lost.

After the footy match we ran into old mate Charlie again. He was in a cleaner state this time and we headed off to a nightclub in one of the safer police protected Favelas (slums). On the mini van ride we met a couple of cool Peruvians and a solo African American guy named Ra-shawn (my second nemesis only due to the fact he was taller, was in the NWA movie straight outa Compton, and had far superior dance moves to myself. Not even the Salmon could compare to his moves). I pulled out the Bill Cosby dance and RaShawn just blew me out of the water with his far better Cosby shuffle. I was humbled and graciously accepted defeat. The six of us hung out the whole night. All the locals could tell we were Gringos but they were so friendly and generous. I went to cheers/clink cups with a guy and he filled my cup with beer. I said "No bro I'm saying saude (cheers)". He replied "we share with everyone around here". It was so different to clubs I'd ever been to. It's definitely the first time I've been in a club with kids about 14 years old carrying liter bottles of vodka!!

The next day we went on a tour of the Rocinha Favelas. The van dropped us at the top of the hill with the guide and we walked down through the hillside neighbourhood, interacting with local merchants and kids. This is a part of Rio and Brazil that is often over looked by tourists as the Favelas have a stigma attached to them that they are dangerous and run by drug lords. Though in the majority this is true, some of the Favelas are watched over by the PPU (Pacifying Police Units) and are safe. There are even hostels to stay over night in. We were guided down through rubbish heaped walkways and cat filled cloisters. We bumped into a group of young locals dancing and playing music on make shift drums...they were pretty awesome, and pretty stoked to get a few bucks. The Favela was an absolute eye opener! It's not till you're walking down an alley way (that is covered in human excrement when it rains) in jandals that you really get a perspective on your own trials and tribulations in life.

After the Favela tour we had a bit of relax time around Ipanema, where we were staying. In the Che Lagarto hostel in Ipanema is where I was to meet my third nemesis, or Nemesis III....A sweet as Mancurian named Steven that was also going to show his mug throughout our travels.

Next up - Tour of the city. On this full day tour we visited

Escadaria Selaron (Selaron's Steps) - The iconic tiled staircase that was made famous in pop culture in Snoop Dogs 'Beautiful' music video. There is over 2000 tiles from 60 different countries...even a little kiwi amongst it.

Cristo Redentor (Christ the Redeemer) - The big old statue of HeyZeus himself...He's 100 foot high and 100 foot wide...The most famous statue of Jesus in the world...the place was packed like a rich mans fridge...so many people and you knew that anywhere you stood you were messing up someones long dreamed about selfy...JC had to be seen but I'm not bothered if I never return to those big old concrete sandals..

Sugarloaf Mountain - We took the Cable Car to the top of Sugarloaf mountain to see the sun set over Rio. I have never seen such fear in all my days than Katie dealing with a glass walled cable car 400 meters above the sea. This acrophobia of Katies was to become more prevalent the longer we journeyed South America. The view from the top was fantastic and was no where near as busy as old made Jeeesus. It was a great end to the city tour.

After dark (and a slightly easier descent for Katie) we headed back to Ipanema. Dan and Katie chilled while I had my rubber arm twisted by the Nemesis III Steven and his mate Adam to attend a Party on a boat for Steven's birthday. We were joined by a group of Poms and the ever present Charlie. My liver was hating me by now and lucky for him we were off to our next destination....We left our old mate Charlie with Nemesis III 'Steven', swapped contact info, Dan wished them Merry Christmas and we farewelled Rio.

A quick stop over in Sao Paolo where customs were very intrigued as to why we had no entry stamp in to Brazil...All we said was "Iguazu" and they nodded in understanding like "ahhhh yes Iguazu". This obviously happens a fair bit and they couldn't give the slightest of shits. A wee mix up at the gates and a brisk jog through the airport we were on the plane to a new country and back to speaking spanish......

TO BE CONTINUED........

#Chile #Argentina #Brazil #Iguazu #Rio #Mendoza #SantiagodeChile #3rdWheel #SouthAmerica