South America - 3rd Wheel La Segunda Parte (Part Two)

So...the 3 amigos just managed to get on the plane in Sao Paulo, Brazil. If my memory serves me correctly...I may have been at fault for that...Anywho we landed safely at our next destination...a whole new country and a change of languages back to Spanish.

Peru

Lima -

I didn't know what to expect of Peru's capital city. I usually try to avoid big cities and we collectively decided three nights should be plenty of time to check it out. Lima is the second biggest city proper in the Americas. With a population of 10 million, it's a highly populated metropolis that lies smack bang on the glorious Pacific Ocean. Our journey was only going to gain altitude from here, so we were going to make the most of the oxygen rich air. As we were driving to our hostel in the swanky and tourist laden Miraflores, we passed a huge food festival called La Feria Gastronómica Internacional de Lima, or 'Mistura' for short. Oh how lucky we were to have been in Lima for this!!! Hundreds of thousands of food lovers, wannabe foodies and plain old booze hags visit the Mistura annually and it is something I could definitely do again. Apart from the endless variations of food dishes, which included the best cerviche I have ever had and BBQ meat fantastically titled 'Wanka', The Mistura also had a Pisco tent with unlimited taster shots, and a beer tent which gave you 5 free pints if you listened to the locals explain how they brewed each beer.

Needless to say, for the NZ$25 entry fee I got my money back with change just on the free samples. My third wheel experience was very different in Lima. Half of the couple had...shall we say ablution issues in Lima, and was pretty keen to keep a close orbit to the porcelain throne. Instead I tagged along with a couple of choice Canadian cousins, Haley and Holly for a couple of days.

The next day after an excessive amount of plonk the night before, I accompanied Holly and Haley on the free walking tour of Lima city. Dan and Katie had the reverse itinerary. They were up for the Mistura, and you'll have to ask them how the old Tiramasu guts fared. From my understanding, Katie really enjoyed the Pisco tent. The free walking tours are well worth the zero Peruvian Sol you spend. They are educational, entertaining and of course...free. Because I am tighter than a duck's butt...it was money well spent..well not spent...anyway I digress...I met up with Dan and Katie for dinner that night and by crikey I hadn't realised how much I'd missed their company. It wasn't until I'd spent two days apart from them that I realised how much fun and laughs we had on a daily and nightly basis.

An early night for them and an all nighter at a Street Fighter II themed night club for me topped off an entertaining and curious time in the Peruvian capital. (Enter Nemesis #4, a Brazilian chef named Brian who Dan and Katie thought was one half of a homosexual life partnership...turns out their Gaydars were not calibrated). Dan and Katie couldn't find me in the morning of our exit flight. I had somehow wandered into another dorm room but that's standard practice for an inebriated wandering kiwi. We made it to the airport with ample time to spare and we were off....

Puerto Maldonado (Amazon rainforest) - via Cusco

Our plane to the Amazon went via Cusco. After an hour or two on the tarmac and a stroke of dumb luck (there was massive storms in the Amazon) we were put up in an old Royal Palace that had been reformed into a 5* hotel. We were given a room each, complimentary meals and cash money for return taxi fares. (Thank you LAN airways) After a cup of Coca tea it was robes on and a bit of luxury for the night.

The next day, revitalised and full of good food and wine we were back on track for an Amazonian experience.

We arrived in Puerto Maldonado, which is the capital of the Peruvian Amazon. We took a bus, then a river boat to our accommodation, 'Corto Maltes Amazonia' which lies on the Rio Madre de Dios (Mother of God river), which is a tributary to the monstrosity that is the Amazon river. The resort was awesome! We had our own personal huts with ensuite and hammocks, and the resort had a swimming pool (a necessity when the average temperature is 30 degrees celsius), bar and a massive tree hut. We met up with our guide 'Raul' and our fellow group members and got the low down on what the next few days had in store for us. That evening we took a night cruise and saw some wild Capibara (biggest rodent in the world and as big as a Labrador) and some wild Caiman (smallest crocodilians in the world that average about 2-2.5 meters long). The next day we were to venture in to the Amazon rainforest proper...

We awoke for an early breakfast, packed and dressed for a big day of walking and boating. Katie was out for the count (we believe due to the Malaria medication) so it was Dan, I and a dozen other fellow tourists and their guides rocking through the Amazon. To make a long story short, it was a day of boat, walk, canoe, walk, sit, drink, walk, walk, walk, boat, walk, boat, home..........

But...to make that short story a bit longer...we saw a plethora of wildlife. There are far to many species to remember but these ones stick out...

Giant Otter...Apparently quite rare to see, there was a 'Romp' of them swimming by the lake shore.

Hoatzin... (pronounced Watson or whoooooowhatzin) a.k.a the stinkbird, or Canje pheasant. A completely underwhelming bird yet the one we spoke of the most. The only reason this bird is not extinct or even endangered is due to it tasting like 8 week old arse hole. Even to this day Dan and I randomly yell out "Hoatzin" and erupt in to laughter.

Monkeys, Monkeys, Monkeys...The finest primate encounter of my life! We disected troops and troops of Monkeys that were migrating on a mission to somewhere? One minute it was Jungle quiet, nek minute.. wave after wave of marauding mini mammals screaming overhead in the forest canopy. Thousands of these playful primates were leaping from branch to branch somehow hanging on to a berry or a leaf and flinging themselves to the next twig. Definitely my highlight as I'm quite inclined to similar behaviour.

There were Turtles, Caiman, Tarantula, Bushy Tailed Squirrel, Birds, Butterflies, and Bugs. Far too many to remember but all of it 100% awesome.

We headed home via a complete wreck of what was described as a 'foot bridge'. It was an American Ninja Warrior esque balancing beam, with rotten wood all around and also in the swampy rocky death trap below. I'm exaggerating slightly but there was a Canadian lad who was easy 150kg (330lbs). He was sweating crossing that bad boy. Especially after seeing Dan and I gracefully float over the rotting thoroughfare. We were certain he was going in the drink....

After surviving the day, it was back to the lodge for beer and swimming....and to see how Katie was and to tell her how shit the day was and that she wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway....

The next day, everyone accounted for...not a Nemesis on the radar (which was ideal) we went to visit a local farmer and a local Ese Ejja family.

The riverside farm was run and owned by an ancient old man. We talked and laughed and grunted but I'm certain he was deaf, blind and not bilingual. Our guide Raul with his all swinging, ever present Machete, was cutting, picking, plucking and foraging all sorts of goodies for us to consume or chew on. We ate Termites, fruits, herbs, spices, roots, larvae...all sorts. Everything you could possibly need to make food or drink or even medicines and ointments was found naturally on this farm. For some reason Raul thought we were soft and always collected for us. He got a local worker to climb a tree and retrieve Guava. Dan and I couldn't allow this ignorance to continue so we showed them how we do NZ styles bro.

Once I was on the solid earth, It was shoes back on and across the river to see how the real locals lived and had lived for thousands of years. The Ese Ejja people are hunter gatherers and very few in numbers with a population of less than 1800. Majority of them live in the Bolivian Amazon with 400-500 living in the Peruvian Amazon. These communities indulge in Ayahuasca, which is a herbal brew that pretty much makes you vommit and then hallucinate for hours on end. It is a spiritual practice for the amazonians which has become a massive tourist attraction in parts of South America. One of my massive regrets is not partaking in the 'Purge'. There's nothing quite like vomitting and shitting your pants in the jungle for a multi hour hallucination....Dan worded it perfectly..."if I wasn't 2 hours boat ride away from the nearest hospital I'd probably be keen..." We arrived at the village and were greeted by the family with the ceremonial and compulsory swipe of paint across the face. We were included in activities such as...Archery, wool spinning and buying homemade trinkets. Team NZ once again dominated. The group of Frenchies that were with us were more hazardous to themselves than the archery target. Dan grazed the target, I hit it around genital height and Katie shook the heavens with a head height rocket that would've taken out a Mammoth. Raul then translated to us that the big daddy of the village gave us permission to marry his offspring due to the fact that we had good genetics...The frenchies were destined to become extinct in jungle life.

The wool spinning was extremely difficult. Not one person could do it well...or even at all. We were told that their custom is to lock all girls in a cage until they can spin enough wool to then make their own dress (more like sack with arm holes). I'm still undecided if I like that or not..It most certainly would motivate you to succeed. After an hour or so mingling with the locals, laden with Amazonion merchandise (Dan bought a percussion instrument that was going to travel all the way to NZ to then be destyoyed by his dog Hank) we were back to the lodge to hike the tree house and a final night in the Amazon and hopefully fall into Alice's hole into wonderland.

The tree house was pretty impressive, both visually pleasing and structurely sound. Katie's acrophobia reared it's head on the tree house ascent. Like a trooper she made it 90% of the way up, which was still a good 40 meters. The view was fantastic and we were only going to gain altitude from this point on.

Cusco -

We farewelled fellow tourists and said goodbye to Alice's wonderland and did the reverse journey back to the airport. Goodbye Amazon, hello the hub of the Incas...Cusco is a city in southeastern Peru, near the Andes mountain range. It's elevation is around 3,400 m (11,200 ft) which makes breathing normally a luxury you used to have. The site was the historic capital of the Inca Empire from the 13th century until the 16th century Spanish conquest. In 1983 Cusco was declared a World Heritage Site by UNESCO. We spent close to a week in Cusco and met some great characters there. We stayed at the Pariwana Hostel and Dan and I were undisputed beer pong champs. A fine Brazilian lass Daniela had her eye on yours truly and Dan made an executive decision to kick me off the team because I wasn't 100% committed to the game. With a key dangling wingwoman like Katie around, there wasn't a nemesis in sight. We also hung out with an Aussie couple Mat and Mia whom we were going to see a lot more throughout our travels. Our week in Cusco included...

Guinea Pig - A national dish in Peru...had to try it...not the best thing I've ever eaten

Llama and Alpaca - Think exotic sheep, you get these creatures! They look so unintelligent but are fascinating at the same time. The Baby Alpaca wool is a very expensive resource, fetching over $200 for a hoody. I got a hoody for $8 that was adult Alpaca and it's the business. These animals were everywhere in Peru and Bolivia. At every ruin and most streets in Cusco you could find many an Alpaca or Llama to have a selfy with. They were a lot tastier than the Guinea Pig.

Ruins - There were old Inca ruins everywhere around Cusco. The technology and craftiness of the old Incas was mind blowing. The sheer size of the blocks they made and how they all fitted together without mortar and withstood massive earthquakes still has engineers baffled. They make Stonehenge look like a childs attempt at lego. The most famous of the Inca ruins is Machu Picchu but i'll get to that.

Tattoo - We all got Inca cross tattoos while we were semi intoxicated in Cusco. Katie asked a tour guide that was covered in ink if he knew a good place. We followed him into a dark and dingey cloister that led into a doorway that an oompa loompa would have to duck to get in. What was through the door was a sterile little room with beats pumping and two very friendly Peruvians chilling out. We went and got more beers and bumped into our old mate Charlie again. That Charlie just popped up everywhere. We spent hours and hours drinking and being merry and all three of us left with a permanent momento of our trip to South America.

Aguas Calientes....Machu Picchu -

Dan wished our Cusco friends a very merry Christmas and we were on the train to Aguas Calientes which is at the foot of Machu Picchu. The Rugby World Cup was starting that day and we found the closest place with a TV, bought some beers and settled in to watch the All Blacks first game. Machu Picchu would have to wait....we bumped into Daniela (The Brazilian from Cusco) in town and organised to meet in the morning for the big day of wandering round Machu Picchu. Aguas Calientes translates to 'hot waters' and is famous for it's natural hot springs that are apparently great to bathe in....the rugby was on so we missed out on them. We were up at sparrow's fart to catch the bus up the hill. Was well worth it as the amount of visitors there is crazy. We got a few photos with no people bombing them but that would've been impossible if we arrived much later.

The big hill in the background that looks like the nose of a face is called 'Waynapicchu' and it's an extra cost to climb vertically on a crumbling rock staircase for an hour....The view from the top was well worth it. Poor Katie's acrophobia reared it's ugly head once again half way up the ascent and unfortunately she had to head back down. Dan being the chivalrous bugger that he is walked her down then ran back up...he really got his moneys worth. Dan also got to play 3rd wheel for the first time of the trip but that was a shallow victory for Daniela and I as we would've prefered Katie to make it to the top.

Once we had taken snaps and caught our breathe we descended an even more treacherous staircase. We got to the bottom and found Katie and said our farewells and merry christmas' to Daniela. Soon after Daniela departed we also headed back to Cusco to get our night bus for Lake Titikaka and a whole new country.........

To Be Continued....

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