South America - 3rd Wheel El Capitulo Final (The Final Chapter)

Wandering Kiwi
May 17, 2017
9 min read

Soooo....The three amigos had returned to Cusco, Peru, to catch a night bus to Bolivia.

The three of us were wrecked from the last week we'd had in Cusco and Machu Picchu, and the night bus to Bolivia was where we were to rest our weary heads and save money on a nights accommodation....We were settled into our seats and ready to drift off, when a noise like no other noise I've heard before encroached on the serenity that was the night bus...A cacophony of shrill, intoxicated Americanisms exploded on to the bus...A trio of highly sauced up Canadians it turned out....this had the potential to be an issue...Luckily due to their inability to handle their piss and/or the sheer amount they'd drunk, quickly put them into comatose and the sleepy bus meandered incident and noise free to Lake Titikaka...(I later found out that one of the three inebriated Canucks was fellated by the Peruvian tour guide on the bus while we all slept...) Canada eh...no doot aboot it...

Lake Titikaka : Puno, Peru - Copacabana, Bolivia

Lake Titikaka is a large, deep lake in the Andes on the border of Peru and Bolivia. By volume of water and by surface area, it is the largest lake in South America and sits at an elevation of 3,812 metres (12,507 ft) which is higher than the peak of NZ's highest mountain, Aoraki/Mount Cook.

We arrived in Puno early in the morning and set off on a boat to see the famous "Floating Islands". The "Floating Islands" are small man made islands constructed by the Uros people, from layers of a thick buoyant reed that grows abundantly in the shallows of Lake Titicaca. According to legend, the Uru people originated in the Amazon and migrated to Lake Titicaca in the pre-Colombian era, where they were oppressed by the locals and were unable to secure land of their own. The largest islands are approximately half the size of a football field. Each island contains several thatched houses, belonging to members of a single extended family. We were told if they needed to defecate they would paddle out into the lake and aqua poo off the side of the boat. The island's tourism has allowed the Uros to supplement their hunting and fishing by bringing visitors to the islands and selling handicrafts.

My highlight was seeing an air hostess man crash his drone into the lake. It was like a scene from air crash investigation...The three amigos were smiling...the Air hostess man was near to tears.

After trawling through pieces of wrecked drone we were back on the bus and to the Bolivian border where we quickly got our passports stamped and set off to Copacabana, where we would indulge in quality accommodation and the best pizza in South America. On the bus trip I was seated next to one of the now hungover Canadian trio who will play a starring role in future prose.

Bolivia

I awoke the next day extremely ill from a cocktail of beer, wine, erb and some local concoction that included Pisco and raw eggs....but with a beer for breakfast to cure my ailments we headed on a boat to Isla del Sol (island of the sun). The Incas believed that the sun god was born here. Archaeologists have discovered evidence that people lived on the island as far back as the third millennium BC. After a seedy walk around we started our journey to the much anticipated La Paz. The drive was pretty uneventful until we had to cross a river. People were piled on to boats and ferried across while the cars and buses were rolled onto some archaic barge and motored across ever so slowly. 48 hours after leaving Cusco we were checking into our hostel in La Paz.

La Paz -

La Paz sits at an elevation of 3,650 meters (11,975 feet) which makes it the highest capital city in the world. It is surrounded by mountains that are covered in snow year round. La Paz was made famous to us by the biography 'Marching Powder' written by an Australian Rusty Young. The book is about an Englishman Thomas McFadden, and his time spent in the notorious 'San Pedro' prison in La Paz. I wont review the book right now but it is a must read. All I can say is for me Bolivia was all about two white crystals...Sodium Chloride (NaCl or salt) and Benzoylmethylecgonine (C17H21NO4 or cocaine). The country is choca block full of them both.

We took our first step into the Loki hostel and the first person we bump into is Nemesis number 1. (The annoying Australian from Mendoza, Argentina), five more steps into the reception and we run into Nemesis number 3 (Steven the Mancurian from Rio de Janeiro). Alarm bells were ringing ...this could pose significant problems...so many Nemesis' in such a small place...chest thumping was imminent.

Our five nights in La Paz consisted of...

Free Walking Tour - Once again we dug deep in our pockets and partaked in the free walking tour. The tour started right in front of the much read about 'San Pedro Prison'. A prison so unique that inmates families live inside with them, and there are tours available to go into the prison and hang out with the inmates and dabble in recreational drugs with them. The book 'Marching Powder' gives full insight into the bizarre world that is San Pedro. We walked through busy markets and vendor filled streets which sold everything from your usual touristy merchandise to dried Llama foetuses. Once again it was educational and worth the zero Bolivian Bolivianos.

Ruta treinta y seis (Route 36) - We had heard through the grapevine that there was a club you could visit that had more than drinks and salt on the menu. The only way to find the ever changing address is through certain local taxis. A big group of us from the Loki Hostel attempted to find it on our way to a nightclub. We succeeded. C17H21NO4 was on the menu...and it was as cheap as sunshine. The place was dark and dank and after a beer or two and a few unwelcome photos, we headed to the nightclub. To gain entry to the club we were all given a good groping search for weapons. There was a electronic bull inside which Dan absolutely dominated..the locals cheered and clapped for him and all wanted to touch his shoulder and buy him a beer...it was a proud moment. My time in the club was less fortunate. Katie the usually fine wing woman tried to set me up with a local girl that had a very intimidating psychopath of a boyfriend...we fled home soon after...

Loki Hostel - We spent a lot of time partying at the top level bar at the hostel. Nemesis #1

had attached himself to a pack of young Australian munters. Our semi retarded cousins to the west were absolutely rooted by Cocaine abuse and heavy drinking. The few brain cells they had were depleting rapidly in Bolivia. Team NZ drank the most shots one night and we were outnumbered 4 - 1. One of the munters claimed to be born in NZ and did most of team NZ's quota by himself...fully sick bro....The Loki Hostel was an accumulation of people we had met all over South America. To this day we still keep in contact with a lot of them and a few have even graced NZ with their presence.

Mountain biking The DEATH Road - The most dangerous road in the world is in close proximity to La Paz and since a new safer road has replaced it; it is now a major tourist attraction for cycling thrill seekers. The one day I was vomiting and had Bum Wees was the day we booked this trip. Dan and even Katie with her crippling fear of heights loved this trip and comforted me by telling me there was only two toilet stops the whole day. I could think of nothing worse than doing kaka in my jocks whilst riding a bike all day on the most dangerous road in the world. Needless to say I hugged the porcelain throne that day and cannot review that trip myself.

Uyuni and the Salt Flats -

We exchanged contact info with our new friends and said farewell once again to our old friends and hopped on another night bus to take us into salt flat territory. I awoke at 4am to the bus fishtailing down a horrific gravel road...I quickly shut my eyes and hoped our drunk Bolivian bus driver got us there in one piece or at least waited till I was asleep to crash. Thank science we made it to Uyuni no harm done and went to meet our 4x4 driver and guide who would escort us over three days to the Chilean border. Our three day itinerary was as follows...

Day 1 - We stopped in a small town that manufactured salt to be sold and exported. We had lunch in a little lunch room that was made entirely out of salt bricks...even the table and chairs were made from salt. It wasn't the first time I've licked the table I have been dining off....we then briefly stopped at a Train graveyard and fooled around climbing and running all over the place before heading to the highly anticipated 'Salar de Uyuni'. The biggest salt flat on our planet with an area of 10,582 square kilometers (4,086 sq mi). This is only just smaller than the whole Bay of Plenty region in NZ. Karate kicking would never be the same after this day.....

After a plethora of humorous photo sessions we headed to our accommodation which yep you guessed it...was made entirely out of salt. We had hot showers and dinner and quickly retired to our salty beds for another big day.

Day 2 - We woke early and set off deeper into Alpaca and Llama territory. We drove all day and crossed through rugged rocky terrain. We obviously climbed all over the rocks and karate kicked around the place. We stopped at what is known as the 'Salvador Dali rock tree'...funnily enough it's a rock shaped a wee bit like a tree. We entered a national park and went to these pink ponds that were full of Flamingos. After a full day of driving and a bit of walking and climbing we stopped at our final nights accommodation in Bolivia. A neat little Hostel with a geothermal hot spring right in front of it. We stocked up on cheap wine and all headed out to the spring to look at the stars. We were told to finish or give away any illegal substances that night so a few doobies made the rounds. The guides were happy with this...our American travel buddy not so much....he greened out and passed out just shy of his bunk.

Day 3 - This day we were up and back in the 4 x 4 to head to the Chilean border, where we would once again bump into the Canadian trio and all descend down into the much warmer San Pedro de Atacama, Chile.

CHILE -

San Pedro de Atacama -

We spent about 4 days in San Pedro....It was a cool and quirky touristy town and it was where our epic journey was to finish. If you wanted to drink booze in San Pedro you had to order food..this was unacceptable to us and we quickly found the one sports bar in town that did not follow these rules. As the rugby world cup was on Dan and I spend almost three full days in this dusty little boozer. The little Mexican behind the bar would open doors at 12pm and say "si si rugby rugby....si si cerveca cerveca" he knew what the deal was. Apart from Rugby and beer, we visited some salt ponds which you could only float in as the salt would stop you from sinking. We also visited some hot springs and a few little ponds to do some bombs and karate kicks into. San Pedro was where I was to meet my final Nemesis, some guy that Dan and Katie had rode the death road with. Down on my luck and with just over a day left I met a lovely Chilean lass Cindy and it was once again Dan's turn for the 3rd wheel selfy. All in all a cool little town and I recommend it to anyone doing that trip. I think the one way from La Paz, Bolivia to San Pedro de Atacama, Chile is definitely the way to go.

We couldn't leave without one slight hiccup...we had a lovely lunch with Cindy and said our goodbyes and got in our shuttle. 15 mins up the road the van was really struggling. Dan was saying "Me mechanico, me mechanico". We pulled over and Dan assessed that the van was fucked. Another van came and we made it to Calama airport to fly home to NZ.

An absolute epic journey and I'm so happy to have been able to share it with such a great couple... also Privlieged to hang out with so many great people we met along the way.... Steven and Adam, Mat and Mia, Reto and Elena, Kaitlin and Amanda, Raul, Daniela, Edwards, Cindy and the awesome trio of guys at the Cusco tattoo parlour....and all the other colourfull characters that we met along the way. Dan and Katie now have a beautiful daughter/3rd wheel Mia and are engaged to be married. I am now a registered Marriage celebrant and will marry them next year and get one final selfy with my two South American travel amigos..